Monday, September 29, 2008

At 5:45 I've gotta be awake.

I'm behind.

I feel like I'm always behind.  Never on top of anything.

Before I was latched onto the deck, the tide sure, the deck stiff, floating along.  But now I'm drifting and I don't know where it's safe to go home again.  Before there was one, now there's many, like handlebars.  It seems like there's so many directions, so many places to grab hold, but not one seems steady.

I'm swimming in a sea of unsteady.

This quarter I ordered most of my texts online through amazon.  I'm watching as the boxes pile in the corner, wondering if my savings are worth the waste.

I'm waiting for something that isn't sure, going for something I can't have, and losing something I thought I had all at the same time.

My car is overheating, the tow truck driver agreeable, I imagine myself "watching the game and throwing back cold ones" in a typical heterosexual 'bro' fashion.

This might sound strange, but I have a hard time making male friends.  I swear, I feel like every guy I meet does not like me, which is probably why most of my friends at UCI are of the female variety.  I have already gone over most of the scenarios in my head.  Whenever I meet a dude for the first time, I'll shake his hand, and exchange names, but I get this vibe immediately that they do not want to be my friend.  I do the same thing every time I meet somebody, I usually shake their hand, I go out of my way to act nice, friendly.  Perhaps I'm friendlier to women, but that's something else entirely.  When I get a good reaction from a girl, they'll usually smile back, act nice.  I like this, this lets me know that they want to keep talking.  But with a guy, they don't smile, they don't continue the conversation, and perhaps that's just how dudes are.  They're not like me and they're not like women.  Furthermore, if I ask a friend that I just made if they want to do something after class, what is that, "hang out, get something to eat?"  If I ask a girl if she wants to grab lunch or coffee, that's totally fine.  But I feel like asking a guy that I just met if he wants to have lunch with me is kinda gay.  Am I alone on this?  Granted there are exceptions, if I already knew them or if they are strange like me.


1 comment:

Jordan said...

I have the same thing about making friends with girls. I don't think it's a gender thing, really, just how peopl act like. I used to not have any girl friends until I met more people who share similar interests and like to talk about them and share them and such.